I remember early on in my consulting career I was telling a colleague a story about a fight I had with my boyfriend over toothpaste. He was mad at me, very mad at me, for not “properly” squeezing the tube so all the toothpaste stayed at the top. I was blown away by how important this was to him and, well, truly I thought he was losing his mind. My colleague quietly turned to me and said: “You know, Amber, a fight about toothpaste is NEVER a fight about toothpaste.” It took me a moment, but I realized what she was saying. He was not really that mad at me about my toothpaste etiquette. There was something deeper, another conflict that had been brewing underneath that we had neglected to address. And in time, the blow-up was over toothpaste.
What, pray tell, does this story have to do with healthy home care teams?
How many times have you felt a little pinch in your side? A tiny thorn that takes the form of another person on your team not following through…or someone consistently ignoring protocol…or talking to you in a way that makes you feel disrespected?…And how many times have you brushed your feelings under the carpet, saying it’s just not worth it to address this issue? We have all done it. And inevitably these little things add up and often explode into bigger issues until you find yourself fighting about something as innocuous as toothpaste.
Raise your hand if when you were growing up you were taught to lean in and address conflict directly. If we were all in a room together, you’d be astonished at the small number of hands raised. Some cultures do have norms of being direct, but most of us are taught to be nice, to avoid arguments, disagreements, and discomfort. We have learned to avoid and ignore. And yet, conflicts unaddressed fester. They create tension and stress and eventually eat away at morale and productivity. After a while, the little thorns create major tears in the fabric of your team and, most importantly, diminish the quality of care you give to your patients.
So, what is there to do? Below are just a few places to start…
- Learn about your own conflict style – Do you avoid conflict altogether? Confront conflict head on? Compromise or accommodate others? Lean in and work to find a resolution? What is your style and what are the benefits/costs to how you handle conflict? What are some new behaviors you might try?
- Practice intentionally leaning in and addressing conflicts early. Start small. Pick a few minor instances of conflict to practice with first. Deal with each instance while it is a tiny pinch in your side, before it begins to fester. Try practicing with someone you trust first.
- Ask for feedback. Ask others on your team to begin telling you if there are things you do that create a sense of conflict for them. Be open to the feedback you receive and willing to explore the impact of your behavior. Most conflicts are misunderstandings that can be addressed easily if caught early. By you asking for feedback, you will be modeling healthy behavior for others on your team.
- Get help. If a conflict is deep and feels too big to address, consider getting an outside mediator to work with your team. When conflicts get to this level it is often good to get some outside, unbiased support.
This week, the CHAMP Program is releasing a new course, Developing Strong Home Care Teams. This course contains helpful, evidence-based tools to help you address and manage team conflict and assess your team’s level of functioning. Learn more about the course and register by clicking here.
Remember…most conflicts do not go away on their own. If they are unattended they tend to grow deeper and take away from the time and energy you have to care for patients. Addressing them early on is one key to keeping your team in a healthy, productive place. And finally, if you find yourself getting extremely angry over something seemingly small, remember: a fight about toothpaste, is never a fight about toothpaste!
Amber Mayes, MSOD
CHAMP Teambuilding Expert
Amber Mayes, MSOD, is an organization development consultant and coach with more than 10 years of experience facilitating the learning and growth of organizations and individuals. Ms. Mayes specializes in diversity consulting and training, professional and life coaching, strategic direction setting, and team development. Her passion is creating environments where individuals and organizations can optimize their potential and performance.
